Falling in Love in a Laundromat


My love story with Laundry Boy started back when I was a junior in college. I was taking clothes into a dry cleaner and the boy working there was about my age.  He was making polite conversation that verged on the line of flirtatiousness, and automatically, I assumed he was into me.  I went home and told my roommates that my dry cleaner had a crush on me, which did not phase them. I made this statement at least once a day about a variety of guys.  If a guy did as little as make eye contact with me, I was convinced they loved me.  Unfortunately, this was/is seldom the case…UNTIL this time. Little did I know that this mysterious dry cleaner boy would cross my path 6 months later.
Fast forward to senior year, when I was finally 21.  I spent the majority of my weekends getting drunk downtown and “flirting” (it should be noted that I didn’t do this successfully most of the time, but we digress) with boys.  One particular night, my friend pointed out a boy she thought was cute, but was too nervous to approach him.  I told her that I would go talk to his friend, and then she could swoop in. That friend was a rather large sweaty man doing salsa moves in the middle of the bar wearing a red silk shirt. YOU GUYS GUESSED IT—this boy was none other than dry cleaner boy, who later became known as Laundry Boy because it rolled off the tongue better. You may be thinking that was nice of me to go talk to this guy for my friend, but to be honest, that was the type of guy I often found myself involved with. (Note: I have since changed my ways). My friend ended up being too nervous to approach the guy, so we decided to leave, BUT not before Laundry Boy asked for my number. Because I AM AN IDIOT, who is always afraid to hurt someone’s feelings, I complied.  Laundry Boy texted me almost immediately telling me that his friend actually was interested in my friend, and suggested a double hang out, if you will.  So, in the end, my friend successfully got her boy with A LOT of help from me. You are welcome, friend. You might think this was the end of Laundry Boy and I, but you would be wrong because, as I mentioned earlier: I AM A STUPID IDIOT.
Laundry Boy and I proceeded to have a very weird and short-lived “relationship” of sorts. THIS BY NO MEANS WE WERE A COUPLE. I’d like that to be so very clear.  I thought, you know, I am going to give this guy a chance because he could be a nice guy. So began the series of RED FLAGS.
RED FLAG 1: He wore a necklace with a mushroom in it that he claimed had magical powers.  He told me that if he wore it on his bare chest the energy was too intense. He even let me wear it. Unfortunately, I did not experience the magical powers.
RED FLAG 2: He always talked as if he had attended college, and when I finally asked him where he went to school, he admitted that he actually went to a 9-month technician school. He swore this was “way harder that going to school at Cal Poly, and was more work than a four year degree.” (Note: I have nothing against someone who chooses to go to trade school, but do NOT tell me it is more difficult than a four year school when you haven’t even gone to a four year school.)
RED FLAG 3: I once asked what he was up to, and he responded by saying he was “making money to support your lifestyle”. WHATTTTT. Sorry, come again?! I never once asked him to pay for anything of mine. Also, I am a feminist and don’t need no man to pay for my things… except, of course, for my dad.
RED FLAG 4: You would think that I would learn after three red flags, but I never do.  In the wise words of Sansa Stark, “I am a slow learner, but I learn”.  He asked me on a date, and suggested that we go to the skate park at 10:30pm to play UNO. I wish I could make this stuff up, but this was his actual idea for a date.
RED FLAG 5: After I got mad at him, he started crying. I’m sensitive too, but get your shit together dude.
RED FLAG 6: He told me he was attracted to my roommates. This is a no-no and I wish boys would learn this already.
RED FLAG 7: He also mentioned that he wanted to hook up with my roommate, which was ultimately the final straw.  I will honestly keep hanging out with a guy no matter how weird they are, but the moment he mentions wanting another girl…BOY BYE.  Why would I subject myself to a guy who I am not attracted to, who is weird, AND talks about other girls?
So finally, after all the signs, I told him we weren’t going to see each other again, which made him cry again. I thought I had made it pretty clear we were done, but he proceeded to text me for a few months after…without any response back.  I finally thought he was over it, but about 2 months ago, I had two missed calls from him at 3am. Fortunately, the last time I saw him, he was holding hands with a girl, so I really hope Laundry Boy found love. As for me, I’m single as ever, but that’s okay because I feel like Relationship Tara would have less “fun” stories like this one.





The Time I Almost Became a Stepmother


Disclaimer: This is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done.

So this story starts with none other then, you guessed it, TINDER. It all happened over a year and a half ago when I matched with this pretty cute guy. We didn’t talk that much and I had thought things weren’t really going to go anywhere. I didn’t know much about him except his first name but he added me on snapchat and I stupidly accepted. Months went by without contact and then one night we started to talk on snapchat and he invited me and my friends over for a bonfire at 2 A.M. RED FLAG. Us being the stupid girls we were, decided it sounded like a good idea to meet this stranger. So around 1:30 A.M. we started driving out to his house in Atascadero. I warned you that this was a story about me doing something stupid…

As we are driving into his neighborhood, a deer jumped out of the bushes and we almost got in a car accident. I should have realized that was a bad omen and we should have turned back, but then there would be no story to write about. We finally arrived and met Gavin* and his roommates. We went to their backyard to sit around the fire and chat. We found out that all three of the boys were taking an indefinite “break” from community college but didn’t specify why. RED FLAG. Two of the boys worked on a fishing boat together while Gavin was unemployed at the time. Also only two of the boys lived in the house while one of them lived in a RV in the driveway. RED FLAG. There was obviously no connection between the six of us so I was trying to think of a way out. After like 45 minutes of small talk, I said “should we take a tour of the house” as a way to slowly make our way to the door but everyone assumed I was making a move on Gavin. I WAS NOT. So just Gavin and I went on a tour of the house. He honestly just showed me his bedroom *eye roll.* He had all these football and wrestling trophies, and when I asked him about them, he said that he had to stop playing because he had too many injuries to the head. We canoodled a little bit but it was clear there was no chemistry.

Eventually we made our way back to the yard and I had noticed a change in the vibe between everyone. Something felt off and after only 10 more minutes my friends said they were tired and were ready to go which I was more than happy to do so. As we were walking to the car, my friends started running and freaking out and as I ran to catch up with them they informed me that Gavin had a 5 year old daughter. FIVE YEARS OLD. He was twenty at the time meaning he had a child his freshman year of high school. I was too afraid to kiss a boy in high school let alone have intercourse. My friends proceeded to tell me that they saw a small pink bike in the yard and made a joke about it to the roommates when they revealed the truth about Gavin. Gavin had some how forgotten to tell me about his child during our canoodle sesh.

When we got back we did a little research and realized it took one Facebook search to find him and his daughter all over. Also his tinder profile picture had a bunch of pictures with a little girl but I assumed it was just his niece or something. You know what assuming does…. I honestly think it was karma for making such stupid choices. It taught me a valuable life lesson: make sure to do sufficient social media stalking before meeting a Tinder boy.

So it’s safe to say Gavin and I did not continue talking after that incident and I have been a lot more cautious about my Tinder experiences…. or have I?

*Gavin is not his real name.