The Perfect Guy Does Exist

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And he is a Loaf. The Infamous Loaf (patent pending).  I always forget who I have already explained the Loaf to because it seems to come up quite often in my life. So if you don’t know what the loaf is, I decided to write a blog post to explain in-depth, the embodiment of my dream man.  I don’t know really how copyright works or how to patent The Loaf but I’m just going to say it here, IT’S MINE, no one steal this from me. Okay I’m pretty sure that made it legally binding. Lets continue.

The Loaf is not one specific human being, it is a whole group of people. It’s a persona, it’s a lifestyle, it’s The Loaf. SOOOO lets start from the beginning, when the Loaf was born:

The Origins 

Back in middle school when my hormones were at an all time high and all I wanted was to kiss a boy (little did I know I would have to wait 5 more years) I found myself attracted to this same type of boy. There was no word to describe this niche type of guy, I just knew it when I saw him.  One day my friend and I were trying to describe a male friend of ours and attempting to find a catch-all word for a tall dude who was just goofy and cute and everyone loved; the word “loafy” got thrown around and when I heard that I thought, “Wow that’s it, that’s the word that describes every boy that is my dream boy.”  The word slowly evolved over time to just be The Loaf. Yet some people had a difficult time conceptualizing The Loaf, so I made an acronym to help.

The “Meaning” Behind The LOAF

L- Lengthy. This is a bit of a loose definition but essentially Loafs tend to be tall.  I’m not sure if it’s because I’m vertically challenged and always envied tall people, but I am attracted to tall guys. The taller they are, the more attracted I am to them. And I am dead serious when I say the sky’s the limit. I met a guy that was 6’9″ and fell in love instantly; even while sitting down to talk to me, he was still taller than me AND I was wearing heels. 7 feet is amazing but honestly anywhere after 6 feet is in Loaf territory.

O- Outgoing. Loafs are not shy. They are the life of the party.  Maybe it’s their height that naturally draws attention to them, but they are comfortable in the spotlight.  Everyone loves talking to the Loaf. The Loaf is confident around people and even if they are awkward, it’s a lovable awkward.

A- Adorable. This is another loose definition, but essentially Loafs aren’t hot guys. Zac Efron is not a Loaf (I’d like to be clear and state I think Zac Efron is super attractive, he is just not a loaf).  They are cute. They are attractive BUT they are not hot, or least they don’t possess a hot guy persona. Obviously this is a subjective one and the lines get a little blurry. The main take away is that they don’t have Hot Guy Attitude. What do Chris Hemsworth, Michael B. Jordan, and Channing Tatum all have in common? They are all clearly not Loafs, they are way too hot. Especially Michael B. Jordan, he is for sure not a Loaf, but again, I still am very much attracted to him…..Okay I digress.

F- Funny.  They must be funny. If you aren’t funny, sorry buddy you are not a Loaf. A good sense of humor is at the core of a Loaf and is necessary to achieve ultimate Loafdom.  Height is negotiable if they still have a Loafy aura, even the level of attractiveness could be given leeway, but humor is a non-negotiable.

An attribute that didn’t fit into the acronym is their physique.  They are not jacked or have rock hard abs, no, leave that for the cool hot guy.  Loafs have dad bods but not like beer belly dad bods. They have the kind of dad bods that look like they go to the gym, just not regularly. Like they try, but not too hard.

Example of the Loaf

You may be racking your brain for what this perfect man might look like. I’ll help you out and put a face to the most lovable man.

You guessed it! Or maybe you had no idea, but Marshall Erikson from How I Met Your Mother:

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Photo credit: CBS

This my dudes, is in fact the prototype of a Loaf.

 

In conclusion

I have just revealed to you the perfect guy and I’d like to say, “Go get yourself a Loaf,” but there aren’t really enough to go around for us all to get a Loaf so sorry, I have first dibs because I’ve wanted a Loaf for over 10 years. I’m still on the hunt but I’ll keep y’all (get it because I live in Texas now) updated!

 

Tara Kristine Jacobson

Written by: Tara Jacobson

Concept by: Tara Jacobson

Produced by: Tara Jacobson

Visual design by: Tara Jacobson

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by: Sky Zimmerman

 

 

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The Fugly Years

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To fully understand my personality and slightly self-deprecating sense of humor, I should explain my early beginnings. It is something I refer to regularly and is also the inspiration for the title of my autobiography/memoir or in this case, the title of the series of personal essays: The Fugly Stage. Whenever someone hears me refer to my childhood self as fugly, they often give me words of sympathy or pity but it should be noted that I am thankful for my fugly stage. Without my fugly stage, I would not have the personality I have today. I didn’t have a lot going for me as a child so I had to build up that charism early.
It all started when I was five years old. After one of those hearing and sight tests at school, my parents found out that I had a “lazy eye”. I’m sure that isn’t the technical term but that was my family has always referred to it. Essentially for anyone who hasn’t heard of a lazy eye, it means that my right eye was 20/20 while my left eye wasn’t as strong and had a tendency to wander. The way that doctors correct this problem is by having a child wear an eye patch over their glasses. So that’s what I did for the whole year of 1st grade. They tried to make them cute by putting rainbows and unicorns and hearts on them. I think it is a fairy on the one below. One time a kid asked what was under my eye patch and I told him it was just a bloody eye socket… I was a weird kid.

 After a year of suffering through the embarrassment of wearing an eye patch you would think it got better. Wrong. It got worse, much worse. For whatever reason I hated hair brushes, in fact to this day, I still do not own one. As a child I would wear my hair, knots and all, in a low ponytail with it parted down the middle tied back with those big scrunchies. My wardrobe was completely made up of clothes from the store formerly known as Limited Too (now called Justice). My favorite outfits were the matching sweat suits and to top of the complete outfit, I had a pair of pink and white etnies tennis shoes. I had braces, just like most kids, but it really just pulled the whole aesthetic together. Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure:




Now that I have painted you the physical picture, there were other things working against me. I now know that I am allergic to most nature, most prominently, anything with fur. My parents didn’t know this growing up and as a result did’t know I was highly allergic to my dogs so I had a constant runny nose, blotchy skin and itchy eyes. Because of this, I was a mouth breather. If you need reference, you know that character from Hey Arnold who was always creeping around and you knew it was him because he was a heavy mouth breather? Me. One time a kid said “Tara, stop breathing so loud” in 3rd grade and that was the first time I became aware of my mouth breathing tendencies.
This kid from Hey Arnold 


http://heyarnold.wikia.com/wiki/Brainy
Last but certainly not least, I had a speech impediment. Essentially is was a lisp because I couldn’t say my S’s and T’s without sticking out my tongue. For a long time, every time I said my name, people thought I was saying Sarah.  
This all may sound bad but to be honest, I was very unaware of it until I was removed from it. So since the fugly stage I have gotten contacts, cut and dyed my hair, completely changed my wardrobe, got my braces off, went to speech therapy, and started taking Claritin for my allergies. I still don’t brush my hair, occasionally wear glasses, and dress like I am homeless from time to time but not nearly as bad as when I was in the Fugly Stage.
 
 
 
 

My First Time

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This is about the crazy, outrageous time that I first……..

drank alcohol! Haha tricked ya. Recently I’ve been making a lot of drunken mistakes, saying things I don’t mean, doing things I shouldn’t be doing, just a lot of mistakes…So I thought I would tell the story of how it all began.

It’s important to note that high school Tara was on her high horse and vowed she wouldn’t drink alcohol until she was 21.  She also vowed not to kiss random boys, not to smoke weed, and not even say the Fuck word. I should have mentioned this was a very high horse.  Everyone was convinced that I was going to drink in college and go crazy but I was convinced I had too high of morals for that. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

So you might be wondering how long in college I made it without drinking and the answer is 3 weeks. I made it 3 whole weeks before I threw in the towel and fell off my high horse.  But no ragrets, right?

So the plan was made.  Trisha, my freshmen year college guru, said she would walk me through it and make sure that nothing crazy goes down.  Another certain someone who also lived in the dorm with us said he would also make sure everything went smoothly and promised to stay on top of the situation. This soccer player, who shall not be named, ended up being written up that night for intoxication so it’s fair to say he wasn’t that helpful.

We (Trisha and I) decided shots were the most effective way to get the job done, so I choked down two and a half shots of vodka; half of the third shot ended up all over my shirt because I was already ‘too turnt.’  This is where the infamous name Two Shot Tara originated. I was laying down on Trisha’s bed looking up and pondering life because alcohol made me very insightful.  I was having a grand ol time UNTIL creepy Craig* walked in.

Background: Creepy Craig* (not his real name) was from another tower that I briefly met one day and was friendly to but apparently he took my friendly and bubbly personality as flirting and developed a ‘fascination’ for me.

Creepy Craig decided to come see me on the first night I was ever getting turnt and it was really uncomfortable. He literally sat down in Trisha’s room for an extended amount of time while I was trying to peacefully ponder life.  Eventually unnamed soccer player said something that insinuated that Creepy Craig was not welcome and Trisha asked him to leave.  After that, Creepy Craig did not come back but he would walk very close behind me to a lot of my classes. Fun fact: last year Courtney, my current roommate, made out with him.

Back to the story, So I finally decided to stand up after letting the alcohol do its thing and when I tried getting off the bed, I fell to the ground soon realizing that alcohol impairs your motor skills. I can’t remember a whole lot more because I was just too gone after those two and half shots but I wanted to tell this story because I wasn’t always as crazy as I am now. In fact I use to be the opposite of crazy, but I’m just making up for all the years I was suppose to be a stupid rebellious teen when I was actually going to bed at 9:30pm every night and studying on the weekend. LOL.

Honestly I don’t even drink that much…

 

 

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JK.

 

 

21 Embarrassing Things I’ve Done Downtown

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Since turning 21 I have gone downtown quite a few times.  I also seem to think that suddenly my tolerance has gone up and it most certainly has not.  Because of this I have done a lot of embarrassing things.  I don’t get embarrassed very easily because most of what I do would be considered embarrassing to the average person so I some how built up a high tolerance for what embarrasses me.  Regardless, these are 21 things I’ve done downtown that would probably be embarrassing to a normal person: ( how many times can I say embarrassing in one paragraph)

  1. Fall in Motav. (A bar)
  2. Fall outside of Motav. (The same bar, the same night)
  3. Ask someone if they needed to urinate…I USED THE WORD URINATE. He looked at me very confused and a little disgusted. (do you like my color choice)
  4. Puke. I made it in a trashcan though so that counts for something, right?
  5. An older man (50+) told me to “open up the vagina” when referring to my 21st sign. This is more embarrassing for him but I still felt embarrassed
  6. Break someones pint glass
  7. Break my own pint glass
  8. Step in pee in the mens bathroom. Don’t ask why I was in there.
  9. Feel a guys fingernails.  He still asked for my number afterwards soooo
  10. Run up and down the streets in wedges telling people I was training for a marathon
  11. Kiss a ginger. No offense to gingers.
  12. Attempted a British accent with British guys.  They did not ask for my number so
  13. Ripped my shirt
  14. Fell out of my chair after a guy winked at me
  15. Sung really loudly  to a song that I don’t know any of the words to and posted a story of it on my snapchat
  16. Cried.
  17. Said it was my birthday when it clearly is no longer my birthday
  18. Called an uber, canceled the uber, reordered the uber and being yelled at by the uber driver, canceled it again and still had to pay five dollars.
  19. Attempted to get on a table and fell.
  20. Everynight I have to see one bouncer who ghosted me and another who thinks we kissed and we HAVE NOT.
  21. Hugged a taco bell employee who called me beautiful and special.

I have definitely done more then 21 embarrassing things but if I don’t stop somewhere the list would never end.  If you ever see me downtown I hope to offer you comedic relief with my awkwardness.  Maybe I’ll do a part 2 some day considering it has only been 25 days since my birthday and all of this has already happened to me.  Overall, 21 is fun.  Alcohol is fun. Downtown is fun. But most importantly, I am fun. img_6598really cute photo of me enjoying 21.

Not Your Typical College Hookup Story

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WARNING: This article contains graphic content including an over the pants hand placement…Proceed at your own risk.

I’d like start this post by formally apologizing to *Mike for the most awkward kiss in human history but unfortunately he picked the one girl at the frat party that had no previous experience.

I was going on my third week in college when I got invited to my first frat party.  I declined the offer politely because that wasn’t my scene (sophomore Tara is a different story but that’s another blog post).  Finally, after a little classic college peer pressure, I decided to go.  They had told me the theme was Hawaiian, so naturally I wore a Hawaiian shirt and a lei.  And to top off the outfit, I brought my purse with me because I was a stupid freshman.  I showed up to the pregame and quickly realized that I was the only one who dressed up to the theme. Everyone else was in typical going out clothes so I discreetly took off the Hawaiian shirt and lei and shoved them in my bag. I decided not to drink because freshman Tara thought she was waiting till she was 21 to drink.  Oh naive and silly freshman Tara. SOOO I was very painfully sober for the night.

We left to go to the party and the moment I walked in I was overwhelmed.  I regretted coming instantly but I really had no way of getting home and to be honest I probably wouldn’t have been able to find my way home if I had tried.  So there I was, standing awkwardly, waiting for the night to end.  Soon some nice gentlemen came over to talk to my friend because they all lived in the dorms together.  I didn’t realize that Mike was actually talking to me until he asked if I wanted to go “dance.” WE ALL KNOW WHAT DANCING IS CODE FOR. Except for freshman Tara, she didn’t know what “dance” was code for.  I said yes and we made our way to the dance floor when to our surprise there was no music playing.  He got really close to my face and asked why there wasn’t any music and without making eye contact I mumbled “I don’t know.”  He proceeded to ask about the music a few more times as I laughed nervously and after standing there for awhile talking about the lack of music, Mike asked “Do you want to go sit down?” I started to catch onto the agenda by this point but for some reason I still said yes.  While there were plenty of places to sit on the couch he chose to sit on a love seat type thing meant for one person; so as any awkward human would do, I placed my body at the very edge of the seat to avoid unnecessary touching.  We made some small talk about random subjects and whenever he asked me a question I would answer with my eyes looking straight forward, not turning my head for most of the conversation.  Then I made the fatal mistake.  He asked me something and I turned my head just slightly when he went in for it, tongue first.  It took me about 15 seconds to realize what was going on.  After the initial shock period, all I could think about was ‘wow this is what kissing is.’  I spent most of my first kiss really contemplating the physical act and how strange it actually was.  It was all going fine and dandy WHEN he took my hand and placed it on his nether regions.  I didn’t want to pull it away immediately so I waited 10 seconds and slowly removed my hand.  It was not only the first time I had kissed someone but also my first wee wee touch.  Even if it was over the pants, it was still too many firsts in one night, so I decided to wrap it up and said I had to go find my friends and bolted for the backyard. I told the girl I came with that I wanted to leave but at this point it was 10:30pm and she said that there wasn’t anyone to drive me home yet so I waited 30 minutes paralyzed by shock.  Soon I got a ride and when I got back a dormmate consoled me as I mourned the death of my innocence. I’m not being dramatic, but it was the most traumatizing thing to ever happen to me…

Most girls have their first kiss when they are in high school or middle school or, if they are really lucky, in elementary school, but if you knew me before the age of 18 you can completely understand why it took till college to reach such a milestone.  If you take all the dramatic dialogue out, the story sounds like a VERY mild and normal college hookup story but add in the fact that I’m the farthest thing from normal and this is the first time another person’s tongue was in my mouth and you get a very unnecessarily embarrassing experience.  Although at the time I thought I was traumatized for life, now I can look back at one of the funniest moments of my freshmen year.  The kiss also ignited some important friendships and really kickstarted my college experience which only got crazier as time went by.

*Not his real name but kind of close