The Perfect Guy Does Exist

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And he is a Loaf. The Infamous Loaf (patent pending).  I always forget who I have already explained the Loaf to because it seems to come up quite often in my life. So if you don’t know what the loaf is, I decided to write a blog post to explain in-depth, the embodiment of my dream man.  I don’t know really how copyright works or how to patent The Loaf but I’m just going to say it here, IT’S MINE, no one steal this from me. Okay I’m pretty sure that made it legally binding. Lets continue.

The Loaf is not one specific human being, it is a whole group of people. It’s a persona, it’s a lifestyle, it’s The Loaf. SOOOO lets start from the beginning, when the Loaf was born:

The Origins 

Back in middle school when my hormones were at an all time high and all I wanted was to kiss a boy (little did I know I would have to wait 5 more years) I found myself attracted to this same type of boy. There was no word to describe this niche type of guy, I just knew it when I saw him.  One day my friend and I were trying to describe a male friend of ours and attempting to find a catch-all word for a tall dude who was just goofy and cute and everyone loved; the word “loafy” got thrown around and when I heard that I thought, “Wow that’s it, that’s the word that describes every boy that is my dream boy.”  The word slowly evolved over time to just be The Loaf. Yet some people had a difficult time conceptualizing The Loaf, so I made an acronym to help.

The “Meaning” Behind The LOAF

L- Lengthy. This is a bit of a loose definition but essentially Loafs tend to be tall.  I’m not sure if it’s because I’m vertically challenged and always envied tall people, but I am attracted to tall guys. The taller they are, the more attracted I am to them. And I am dead serious when I say the sky’s the limit. I met a guy that was 6’9″ and fell in love instantly; even while sitting down to talk to me, he was still taller than me AND I was wearing heels. 7 feet is amazing but honestly anywhere after 6 feet is in Loaf territory.

O- Outgoing. Loafs are not shy. They are the life of the party.  Maybe it’s their height that naturally draws attention to them, but they are comfortable in the spotlight.  Everyone loves talking to the Loaf. The Loaf is confident around people and even if they are awkward, it’s a lovable awkward.

A- Adorable. This is another loose definition, but essentially Loafs aren’t hot guys. Zac Efron is not a Loaf (I’d like to be clear and state I think Zac Efron is super attractive, he is just not a loaf).  They are cute. They are attractive BUT they are not hot, or least they don’t possess a hot guy persona. Obviously this is a subjective one and the lines get a little blurry. The main take away is that they don’t have Hot Guy Attitude. What do Chris Hemsworth, Michael B. Jordan, and Channing Tatum all have in common? They are all clearly not Loafs, they are way too hot. Especially Michael B. Jordan, he is for sure not a Loaf, but again, I still am very much attracted to him…..Okay I digress.

F- Funny.  They must be funny. If you aren’t funny, sorry buddy you are not a Loaf. A good sense of humor is at the core of a Loaf and is necessary to achieve ultimate Loafdom.  Height is negotiable if they still have a Loafy aura, even the level of attractiveness could be given leeway, but humor is a non-negotiable.

An attribute that didn’t fit into the acronym is their physique.  They are not jacked or have rock hard abs, no, leave that for the cool hot guy.  Loafs have dad bods but not like beer belly dad bods. They have the kind of dad bods that look like they go to the gym, just not regularly. Like they try, but not too hard.

Example of the Loaf

You may be racking your brain for what this perfect man might look like. I’ll help you out and put a face to the most lovable man.

You guessed it! Or maybe you had no idea, but Marshall Erikson from How I Met Your Mother:

2015-09-01-1441099561-2313004-segelhowimetyourmother570x380-thumb.jpg

Photo credit: CBS

This my dudes, is in fact the prototype of a Loaf.

 

In conclusion

I have just revealed to you the perfect guy and I’d like to say, “Go get yourself a Loaf,” but there aren’t really enough to go around for us all to get a Loaf so sorry, I have first dibs because I’ve wanted a Loaf for over 10 years. I’m still on the hunt but I’ll keep y’all (get it because I live in Texas now) updated!

 

Tara Kristine Jacobson

Written by: Tara Jacobson

Concept by: Tara Jacobson

Produced by: Tara Jacobson

Visual design by: Tara Jacobson

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by: Sky Zimmerman

 

 

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Taking a Break From Guys?

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If you know me, this sounds just untrue…. but let me explain:

 

2017 was not my year in a lot of different ways and one major reason was my failed “love life”.  Then again I haven’t had a good year in the guy department since I was in kindergarten because that was the last time a boy I liked, liked me back.  Even so last year was particularly bad. At least 5 different guys expressed concern about ending up on my blog. It felt cool at first because I was like “Oh man, I’m the Taylor Swift of the blog world” but then I didn’t like it as much… A guy I was “seeing” (this term is used VERY loosely) literally cried about the idea of ending up on my blog. That ‘relationship’ (this term is used even more loosely) ended quicker than it started.  

 

Anyway, the point is, that’s one of the reasons I have been on hiatus from my blog.  Another reason is that I am in the middle of a quarter-life crisis, attempting to figure out the next step in my life and as a result, I haven’t been in the writing mood.  Have no fear though, here are some of the events from last year that I wanted to write about:

 

  • I reignite a flame from my freshman year by sliding into his DM’s (one of my favorite pastimes) and he actually told me that he had a low key crush on me so I thought perfect. Well, it was not perfect.  There wasn’t any spark, at least on my side, and this is the boy that cried about the blog post so it was pretty obvious it wasn’t going to work. Also, it ended with one of the most traumatic, gross, and also hilarious experiences of my life but I’m too embarrassed to publicly talk about it at this moment in my life…

 

  • A door reopened with a person that I thought was permanently shut, but after it reopened it shut almost immediately after. Now I believe after about 3+ years with this person in my life, I think the door is ACTUALLY shut and locked. I would go into detail but this person reads my blogs.

 

  • Another guy from my past saw me one night at the bars when I was visiting my college town and he proceeded to slid into my lifestyle Instagram DM’s but I didn’t see the message till I left.  Fortunately, a month later I was back in town so I finally DM’d him back and we reignited the flame…. But that flame is officially out for good now.

 

Other boys were sprinkled throughout the year but those were the major bullet points.  As I said, it wasn’t a great year for me in the boy department but I tied up loose ends and permanently shut some doors! I made a vow to myself that 2018 would be different.  I was going to try my very best to just slow it down with guys and take my love life more seriously because it has been a joke for the past 22 years. I’ve been pretty successful so far. I haven’t gone on any dates this year, it may be up to debate as to whether or not that is by choice.  Honestly, I can’t really tell if this break from guys is intentional or not but regardless, it’s happening….

 

 

 

Until next time,

 

Tara Jacobson

Falling in Love in a Laundromat

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My love story with Laundry Boy started back when I was a junior in college. I was taking clothes into a dry cleaner and the boy working there was about my age.  He was making polite conversation that verged on the line of flirtatiousness, and automatically, I assumed he was into me.  I went home and told my roommates that my dry cleaner had a crush on me, which did not phase them. I made this statement at least once a day about a variety of guys.  If a guy did as little as make eye contact with me, I was convinced they loved me.  Unfortunately, this was/is seldom the case…UNTIL this time. Little did I know that this mysterious dry cleaner boy would cross my path 6 months later.
Fast forward to senior year, when I was finally 21.  I spent the majority of my weekends getting drunk downtown and “flirting” (it should be noted that I didn’t do this successfully most of the time, but we digress) with boys.  One particular night, my friend pointed out a boy she thought was cute, but was too nervous to approach him.  I told her that I would go talk to his friend, and then she could swoop in. That friend was a rather large sweaty man doing salsa moves in the middle of the bar wearing a red silk shirt. YOU GUYS GUESSED IT—this boy was none other than dry cleaner boy, who later became known as Laundry Boy because it rolled off the tongue better. You may be thinking that was nice of me to go talk to this guy for my friend, but to be honest, that was the type of guy I often found myself involved with. (Note: I have since changed my ways). My friend ended up being too nervous to approach the guy, so we decided to leave, BUT not before Laundry Boy asked for my number. Because I AM AN IDIOT, who is always afraid to hurt someone’s feelings, I complied.  Laundry Boy texted me almost immediately telling me that his friend actually was interested in my friend, and suggested a double hang out, if you will.  So, in the end, my friend successfully got her boy with A LOT of help from me. You are welcome, friend. You might think this was the end of Laundry Boy and I, but you would be wrong because, as I mentioned earlier: I AM A STUPID IDIOT.
Laundry Boy and I proceeded to have a very weird and short-lived “relationship” of sorts. THIS BY NO MEANS WE WERE A COUPLE. I’d like that to be so very clear.  I thought, you know, I am going to give this guy a chance because he could be a nice guy. So began the series of RED FLAGS.
RED FLAG 1: He wore a necklace with a mushroom in it that he claimed had magical powers.  He told me that if he wore it on his bare chest the energy was too intense. He even let me wear it. Unfortunately, I did not experience the magical powers.
RED FLAG 2: He always talked as if he had attended college, and when I finally asked him where he went to school, he admitted that he actually went to a 9-month technician school. He swore this was “way harder that going to school at Cal Poly, and was more work than a four year degree.” (Note: I have nothing against someone who chooses to go to trade school, but do NOT tell me it is more difficult than a four year school when you haven’t even gone to a four year school.)
RED FLAG 3: I once asked what he was up to, and he responded by saying he was “making money to support your lifestyle”. WHATTTTT. Sorry, come again?! I never once asked him to pay for anything of mine. Also, I am a feminist and don’t need no man to pay for my things… except, of course, for my dad.
RED FLAG 4: You would think that I would learn after three red flags, but I never do.  In the wise words of Sansa Stark, “I am a slow learner, but I learn”.  He asked me on a date, and suggested that we go to the skate park at 10:30pm to play UNO. I wish I could make this stuff up, but this was his actual idea for a date.
RED FLAG 5: After I got mad at him, he started crying. I’m sensitive too, but get your shit together dude.
RED FLAG 6: He told me he was attracted to my roommates. This is a no-no and I wish boys would learn this already.
RED FLAG 7: He also mentioned that he wanted to hook up with my roommate, which was ultimately the final straw.  I will honestly keep hanging out with a guy no matter how weird they are, but the moment he mentions wanting another girl…BOY BYE.  Why would I subject myself to a guy who I am not attracted to, who is weird, AND talks about other girls?
So finally, after all the signs, I told him we weren’t going to see each other again, which made him cry again. I thought I had made it pretty clear we were done, but he proceeded to text me for a few months after…without any response back.  I finally thought he was over it, but about 2 months ago, I had two missed calls from him at 3am. Fortunately, the last time I saw him, he was holding hands with a girl, so I really hope Laundry Boy found love. As for me, I’m single as ever, but that’s okay because I feel like Relationship Tara would have less “fun” stories like this one.

 

 

 

The Fugly Years

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To fully understand my personality and slightly self-deprecating sense of humor, I should explain my early beginnings. It is something I refer to regularly and is also the inspiration for the title of my autobiography/memoir or in this case, the title of the series of personal essays: The Fugly Stage. Whenever someone hears me refer to my childhood self as fugly, they often give me words of sympathy or pity but it should be noted that I am thankful for my fugly stage. Without my fugly stage, I would not have the personality I have today. I didn’t have a lot going for me as a child so I had to build up that charism early.
It all started when I was five years old. After one of those hearing and sight tests at school, my parents found out that I had a “lazy eye”. I’m sure that isn’t the technical term but that was my family has always referred to it. Essentially for anyone who hasn’t heard of a lazy eye, it means that my right eye was 20/20 while my left eye wasn’t as strong and had a tendency to wander. The way that doctors correct this problem is by having a child wear an eye patch over their glasses. So that’s what I did for the whole year of 1st grade. They tried to make them cute by putting rainbows and unicorns and hearts on them. I think it is a fairy on the one below. One time a kid asked what was under my eye patch and I told him it was just a bloody eye socket… I was a weird kid.

 After a year of suffering through the embarrassment of wearing an eye patch you would think it got better. Wrong. It got worse, much worse. For whatever reason I hated hair brushes, in fact to this day, I still do not own one. As a child I would wear my hair, knots and all, in a low ponytail with it parted down the middle tied back with those big scrunchies. My wardrobe was completely made up of clothes from the store formerly known as Limited Too (now called Justice). My favorite outfits were the matching sweat suits and to top of the complete outfit, I had a pair of pink and white etnies tennis shoes. I had braces, just like most kids, but it really just pulled the whole aesthetic together. Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure:




Now that I have painted you the physical picture, there were other things working against me. I now know that I am allergic to most nature, most prominently, anything with fur. My parents didn’t know this growing up and as a result did’t know I was highly allergic to my dogs so I had a constant runny nose, blotchy skin and itchy eyes. Because of this, I was a mouth breather. If you need reference, you know that character from Hey Arnold who was always creeping around and you knew it was him because he was a heavy mouth breather? Me. One time a kid said “Tara, stop breathing so loud” in 3rd grade and that was the first time I became aware of my mouth breathing tendencies.
This kid from Hey Arnold 


http://heyarnold.wikia.com/wiki/Brainy
Last but certainly not least, I had a speech impediment. Essentially is was a lisp because I couldn’t say my S’s and T’s without sticking out my tongue. For a long time, every time I said my name, people thought I was saying Sarah.  
This all may sound bad but to be honest, I was very unaware of it until I was removed from it. So since the fugly stage I have gotten contacts, cut and dyed my hair, completely changed my wardrobe, got my braces off, went to speech therapy, and started taking Claritin for my allergies. I still don’t brush my hair, occasionally wear glasses, and dress like I am homeless from time to time but not nearly as bad as when I was in the Fugly Stage.
 
 
 
 

The Time I Almost Became a Stepmother

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Disclaimer: This is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done.

So this story starts with none other then, you guessed it, TINDER. It all happened over a year and a half ago when I matched with this pretty cute guy. We didn’t talk that much and I had thought things weren’t really going to go anywhere. I didn’t know much about him except his first name but he added me on snapchat and I stupidly accepted. Months went by without contact and then one night we started to talk on snapchat and he invited me and my friends over for a bonfire at 2 A.M. RED FLAG. Us being the stupid girls we were, decided it sounded like a good idea to meet this stranger. So around 1:30 A.M. we started driving out to his house in Atascadero. I warned you that this was a story about me doing something stupid…

As we are driving into his neighborhood, a deer jumped out of the bushes and we almost got in a car accident. I should have realized that was a bad omen and we should have turned back, but then there would be no story to write about. We finally arrived and met Gavin* and his roommates. We went to their backyard to sit around the fire and chat. We found out that all three of the boys were taking an indefinite “break” from community college but didn’t specify why. RED FLAG. Two of the boys worked on a fishing boat together while Gavin was unemployed at the time. Also only two of the boys lived in the house while one of them lived in a RV in the driveway. RED FLAG. There was obviously no connection between the six of us so I was trying to think of a way out. After like 45 minutes of small talk, I said “should we take a tour of the house” as a way to slowly make our way to the door but everyone assumed I was making a move on Gavin. I WAS NOT. So just Gavin and I went on a tour of the house. He honestly just showed me his bedroom *eye roll.* He had all these football and wrestling trophies, and when I asked him about them, he said that he had to stop playing because he had too many injuries to the head. We canoodled a little bit but it was clear there was no chemistry.

Eventually we made our way back to the yard and I had noticed a change in the vibe between everyone. Something felt off and after only 10 more minutes my friends said they were tired and were ready to go which I was more than happy to do so. As we were walking to the car, my friends started running and freaking out and as I ran to catch up with them they informed me that Gavin had a 5 year old daughter. FIVE YEARS OLD. He was twenty at the time meaning he had a child his freshman year of high school. I was too afraid to kiss a boy in high school let alone have intercourse. My friends proceeded to tell me that they saw a small pink bike in the yard and made a joke about it to the roommates when they revealed the truth about Gavin. Gavin had some how forgotten to tell me about his child during our canoodle sesh.

When we got back we did a little research and realized it took one Facebook search to find him and his daughter all over. Also his tinder profile picture had a bunch of pictures with a little girl but I assumed it was just his niece or something. You know what assuming does…. I honestly think it was karma for making such stupid choices. It taught me a valuable life lesson: make sure to do sufficient social media stalking before meeting a Tinder boy.

So it’s safe to say Gavin and I did not continue talking after that incident and I have been a lot more cautious about my Tinder experiences…. or have I?

*Gavin is not his real name.