Honestly my dating life recently has been dull and sad, so let’s go back to a more exciting time in my life: 2018. I was new to Austin, Texas, and decided to take an improv class. Sidenote: I know improv gets a bad rep for being cringey, but all my comedy idols (i.e. Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig, etc.) started in improv, so I had to try. But yes, it is cringey.
A few days after the 6 week class concluded, I received an email from a guy in my improv class that essentially said, “Hey Tara, I missed the last class, so I wasn’t able to say bye. Would you want to grab drinks? –Jake.*” My first thought was ‘who was jake?’ I couldn’t remember a single person’s name from my class, so I had no idea who was asking me out. So first thing I did was look him up on social media, and he looked vaguely familiar. He wasn’t my typical type, but I decided to give it a chance because why the hell not. We exchanged numbers and made a plan to meet at a bar on east 6th, the hip part of town.
I was very anxious about my date, so naturally, I pregamed. I couldn’t tell you how much I drank, but it was at least two glasses of wine, probably three, meaning I was definitely feeling it by the time I Ubered over. When I got there he bought me a drink and we started chatting. One of the first things he mentioned was that he was 33. I dont think there is anything inherently wrong with an age gap if both people are mature adults but to call myself a mature adult at 23 would be a stretch. Also to put it in perspective, when he was 23 probably out at the bars, I was in middle school writing about my crush saying ‘hi’ to me in the hallway.
The conversation naturally led to what we did for a living and he casually mentioned that he was a millionaire. I couldn’t tell you for certain how he became a millionare because 1. I have a terrible memory and 2. I had a lot to drink. It had something to do with possibly developing an app, or maybe he founded a tech company? Of course, money isnt my first priority when I’m looking for a partner, but does it sound appealing to have someone who is financially stable? Duh, especially because I was/am so financially unstable.
Halfway through my second drink (fourth or fifth drink overall) I wasn’t feeling awesome and excused myself to use the ladies room. Almost immediately after getting into the stall, I yacked up everything I consumed for the past 24 hours. Also I still felt pretty drunk, so after rinsing my mouth with some water and walking out of that bathroom as if nothing happened, I decided it was time to call it a night. He had driven to the bar and said he was going to wait longer till he drove home so we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.
After the date he texted me almost immediately saying he had a good time and wishing I would have stayed longer. He also texted his impressions of me following the date which read “The impression is you’re not dumb, you’re funny, and even a little cool.” I don’t know if there is a better compliment than ‘you’re not dumb.’ He asked me on another date, and although I didn’t feel fireworks, I said yes, because why not? Also I was desperate for love.
We made a plan for our second date but he had to cancel because he had an infected hang nail…. Normally I would think this was an excuse to bail but he sent me a picture and it was pretty nasty. So we rescheduled.
For our second date, he picked this bougie hotel bar. When I arrived, he already had a drink so we walked up to a very crowded bar for me to order a drink. The menu didn’t have prices so I just ordered white wine and it was TWENTY DOLLARS. He didn’t offer to pay this time. I’d like to state on the record, I have no issue in splitting the check, in fact I’m an advocate for it, BUT if you ask ME out and YOU pick the place (which happens to be crazy expensive) and YOU ARE A MILLONAIRE and I make minimum wage then yes it would be nice if you bought my drink. To put this into perspective, he made more in a day than I did in a month. I’m not bitter.
The date was uneventful. I can’t remember anything of importance we talked about and I obviously didn’t buy myself another drink because I wasn’t about to drop over 40 dollars on a date with a guy I didn’t like. So we parted ways again. Fun fact: he was the only guy I’d been on multiple dates with and didn’t kiss, so clearly the sparks weren’t flying.
He continued to reach out and I entertained it for awhile, but I wasn’t interested so I ended up ghosting him. He even texted me ‘it’s my birthday week’ and I still didn’t respond. Which I know, I know is a dick move, but I was 23, give me a break. Also, I’m pretty sure that I have been experiencing karma ever since because in 2020 three different guys ghosted me soooo yea.
*Jake is not his real name.
Written by Tara K Jacobson
Edited by Sky Zimmerman