The Perfect Guy Does Exist

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And he is a Loaf. The Infamous Loaf (patent pending).  I always forget who I have already explained the Loaf to because it seems to come up quite often in my life. So if you don’t know what the loaf is, I decided to write a blog post to explain in-depth, the embodiment of my dream man.  I don’t know really how copyright works or how to patent The Loaf but I’m just going to say it here, IT’S MINE, no one steal this from me. Okay I’m pretty sure that made it legally binding. Lets continue.

The Loaf is not one specific human being, it is a whole group of people. It’s a persona, it’s a lifestyle, it’s The Loaf. SOOOO lets start from the beginning, when the Loaf was born:

The Origins 

Back in middle school when my hormones were at an all time high and all I wanted was to kiss a boy (little did I know I would have to wait 5 more years) I found myself attracted to this same type of boy. There was no word to describe this niche type of guy, I just knew it when I saw him.  One day my friend and I were trying to describe a male friend of ours and attempting to find a catch-all word for a tall dude who was just goofy and cute and everyone loved; the word “loafy” got thrown around and when I heard that I thought, “Wow that’s it, that’s the word that describes every boy that is my dream boy.”  The word slowly evolved over time to just be The Loaf. Yet some people had a difficult time conceptualizing The Loaf, so I made an acronym to help.

The “Meaning” Behind The LOAF

L- Lengthy. This is a bit of a loose definition but essentially Loafs tend to be tall.  I’m not sure if it’s because I’m vertically challenged and always envied tall people, but I am attracted to tall guys. The taller they are, the more attracted I am to them. And I am dead serious when I say the sky’s the limit. I met a guy that was 6’9″ and fell in love instantly; even while sitting down to talk to me, he was still taller than me AND I was wearing heels. 7 feet is amazing but honestly anywhere after 6 feet is in Loaf territory.

O- Outgoing. Loafs are not shy. They are the life of the party.  Maybe it’s their height that naturally draws attention to them, but they are comfortable in the spotlight.  Everyone loves talking to the Loaf. The Loaf is confident around people and even if they are awkward, it’s a lovable awkward.

A- Adorable. This is another loose definition, but essentially Loafs aren’t hot guys. Zac Efron is not a Loaf (I’d like to be clear and state I think Zac Efron is super attractive, he is just not a loaf).  They are cute. They are attractive BUT they are not hot, or least they don’t possess a hot guy persona. Obviously this is a subjective one and the lines get a little blurry. The main take away is that they don’t have Hot Guy Attitude. What do Chris Hemsworth, Michael B. Jordan, and Channing Tatum all have in common? They are all clearly not Loafs, they are way too hot. Especially Michael B. Jordan, he is for sure not a Loaf, but again, I still am very much attracted to him…..Okay I digress.

F- Funny.  They must be funny. If you aren’t funny, sorry buddy you are not a Loaf. A good sense of humor is at the core of a Loaf and is necessary to achieve ultimate Loafdom.  Height is negotiable if they still have a Loafy aura, even the level of attractiveness could be given leeway, but humor is a non-negotiable.

An attribute that didn’t fit into the acronym is their physique.  They are not jacked or have rock hard abs, no, leave that for the cool hot guy.  Loafs have dad bods but not like beer belly dad bods. They have the kind of dad bods that look like they go to the gym, just not regularly. Like they try, but not too hard.

Example of the Loaf

You may be racking your brain for what this perfect man might look like. I’ll help you out and put a face to the most lovable man.

You guessed it! Or maybe you had no idea, but Marshall Erikson from How I Met Your Mother:

2015-09-01-1441099561-2313004-segelhowimetyourmother570x380-thumb.jpg

Photo credit: CBS

This my dudes, is in fact the prototype of a Loaf.

 

In conclusion

I have just revealed to you the perfect guy and I’d like to say, “Go get yourself a Loaf,” but there aren’t really enough to go around for us all to get a Loaf so sorry, I have first dibs because I’ve wanted a Loaf for over 10 years. I’m still on the hunt but I’ll keep y’all (get it because I live in Texas now) updated!

 

Tara Kristine Jacobson

Written by: Tara Jacobson

Concept by: Tara Jacobson

Produced by: Tara Jacobson

Visual design by: Tara Jacobson

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by: Sky Zimmerman

 

 

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