Not Your Typical College Hookup Story

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WARNING: This article contains graphic content including an over the pants hand placement…Proceed at your own risk.

I’d like start this post by formally apologizing to *Mike for the most awkward kiss in human history but unfortunately he picked the one girl at the frat party that had no previous experience.

I was going on my third week in college when I got invited to my first frat party.  I declined the offer politely because that wasn’t my scene (sophomore Tara is a different story but that’s another blog post).  Finally, after a little classic college peer pressure, I decided to go.  They had told me the theme was Hawaiian, so naturally I wore a Hawaiian shirt and a lei.  And to top off the outfit, I brought my purse with me because I was a stupid freshman.  I showed up to the pregame and quickly realized that I was the only one who dressed up to the theme. Everyone else was in typical going out clothes so I discreetly took off the Hawaiian shirt and lei and shoved them in my bag. I decided not to drink because freshman Tara thought she was waiting till she was 21 to drink.  Oh naive and silly freshman Tara. SOOO I was very painfully sober for the night.

We left to go to the party and the moment I walked in I was overwhelmed.  I regretted coming instantly but I really had no way of getting home and to be honest I probably wouldn’t have been able to find my way home if I had tried.  So there I was, standing awkwardly, waiting for the night to end.  Soon some nice gentlemen came over to talk to my friend because they all lived in the dorms together.  I didn’t realize that Mike was actually talking to me until he asked if I wanted to go “dance.” WE ALL KNOW WHAT DANCING IS CODE FOR. Except for freshman Tara, she didn’t know what “dance” was code for.  I said yes and we made our way to the dance floor when to our surprise there was no music playing.  He got really close to my face and asked why there wasn’t any music and without making eye contact I mumbled “I don’t know.”  He proceeded to ask about the music a few more times as I laughed nervously and after standing there for awhile talking about the lack of music, Mike asked “Do you want to go sit down?” I started to catch onto the agenda by this point but for some reason I still said yes.  While there were plenty of places to sit on the couch he chose to sit on a love seat type thing meant for one person; so as any awkward human would do, I placed my body at the very edge of the seat to avoid unnecessary touching.  We made some small talk about random subjects and whenever he asked me a question I would answer with my eyes looking straight forward, not turning my head for most of the conversation.  Then I made the fatal mistake.  He asked me something and I turned my head just slightly when he went in for it, tongue first.  It took me about 15 seconds to realize what was going on.  After the initial shock period, all I could think about was ‘wow this is what kissing is.’  I spent most of my first kiss really contemplating the physical act and how strange it actually was.  It was all going fine and dandy WHEN he took my hand and placed it on his nether regions.  I didn’t want to pull it away immediately so I waited 10 seconds and slowly removed my hand.  It was not only the first time I had kissed someone but also my first wee wee touch.  Even if it was over the pants, it was still too many firsts in one night, so I decided to wrap it up and said I had to go find my friends and bolted for the backyard. I told the girl I came with that I wanted to leave but at this point it was 10:30pm and she said that there wasn’t anyone to drive me home yet so I waited 30 minutes paralyzed by shock.  Soon I got a ride and when I got back a dormmate consoled me as I mourned the death of my innocence. I’m not being dramatic, but it was the most traumatizing thing to ever happen to me…

Most girls have their first kiss when they are in high school or middle school or, if they are really lucky, in elementary school, but if you knew me before the age of 18 you can completely understand why it took till college to reach such a milestone.  If you take all the dramatic dialogue out, the story sounds like a VERY mild and normal college hookup story but add in the fact that I’m the farthest thing from normal and this is the first time another person’s tongue was in my mouth and you get a very unnecessarily embarrassing experience.  Although at the time I thought I was traumatized for life, now I can look back at one of the funniest moments of my freshmen year.  The kiss also ignited some important friendships and really kickstarted my college experience which only got crazier as time went by.

*Not his real name but kind of close

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